1. Can’t raise microphone) I’ve gotta start working out......
2. I knew this was going to be a good audience when I noticed all the tacky
ones sat at the back.
3. [response] Thanks so much for saying all those wonderful things. Could I
have a copy of that for my in-laws?
4. I’m not here to say anything profound. I’m here to make a speech.
5. [intro] I’ll begin by telling you what a remarkable person our speaker is.
Then I’ll describe all the wonderful things he’s done for the community.
And I’ll conclude by saying some things that are true.
6. [small crowd] I forgot to bring something with me—my audience.
7. [If someone takes your picture] Paparazzi!!
8. (Introducing a co-worker) In your office we have someone who’s always
there ... a person we can count on ... someone who does the work of
three people – your secretary.
9. (Honoring a doctor) We bought you a gift you’ll appreciate: a
state-of-the-art beeper. It alerts you when there’s a sale on golf clubs.
10. (Heckler) I bet you work in telephone solicitation, right?
11. [Mic problem] This microphone is like my wife: it won’t let me speak.
12. [To retiree] We wanted to immortalize you by having your likeness
made into a bronze statue, but it’s too expensive. So we have another
gift that will give you the bronze look—this tube of suntan lotion.
13. [goof] There are several secrets to giving a good speech. That was not
one of them.
14. And if anybody out there doesn't know what I'm talking about, then you
must know how I feel!
15. You’ve been a wonderful audience. So ... we’re even.
16. [When you’re a substitute] Now you know how people feel when they’re
expecting Mel Gibson, and get Mel Tillis.
17. [If you’re short] I’m short, but I compensate—by making my speeches
long.
18. [Flowery intro] Thank you for that wonderful introduction. I wish I could
figure out who you have me confused with.
19. [loud crash] Oh-oh. I told Shaq that rocking horse wouldn’t hold him.
20. You’ve been a great audience. I don’t really mind a few coffee slurpers.
21. [hot room] I haven't sweated this much since my tax audit.
22. Now I'd like to open the floor to questions. And since they never get a
chance to speak, why don't we start with the married men?