One-Liners for Speakers

     1. Can’t raise microphone) I’ve gotta start working out......

     2. I knew this was going to be a good audience when I noticed all the tacky

        ones sat at the back.

     3. [response] Thanks so much for saying all those wonderful things. Could I

         have a copy of that for my in-laws?

     4. I’m not here to say anything profound. I’m here to make a speech.

     5. [intro] I’ll begin by telling you what a remarkable person our speaker is.

         Then I’ll describe all the wonderful things he’s done for the community.

         And I’ll conclude by saying some things that are true.

     6. [small crowd] I forgot to bring something with me—my audience.

     7. [If someone takes your picture] Paparazzi!!

     8. (Introducing a co-worker) In your office we have someone who’s always

         there ... a person we can count on ... someone who does the work of

         three people – your secretary.

     9. (Honoring a doctor) We bought you a gift you’ll appreciate: a 

         state-of-the-art beeper. It alerts you when there’s a sale on golf clubs.

     10. (Heckler) I bet you work in telephone solicitation, right?

      11. [Mic problem] This microphone is like my wife: it won’t let me speak.

     12. [To retiree] We wanted to immortalize you by having your likeness

           made into a bronze statue, but it’s too expensive. So we have another

           gift that will give you the bronze look—this tube of suntan lotion.

     13. [goof] There are several secrets to giving a good speech. That was not

           one of them.

     14. And if anybody out there doesn't know what I'm talking about, then you

           must know how I feel!

     15. You’ve been a wonderful audience. So ... we’re even.

     16. [When you’re a substitute] Now you know how people feel when they’re

           expecting Mel Gibson, and get Mel Tillis.

     17. [If you’re short] I’m short, but I compensate—by making my speeches

          long.

     18. [Flowery intro] Thank you for that wonderful introduction. I wish I could

           figure out who you have me confused with.

     19. [loud crash] Oh-oh. I told Shaq that rocking horse wouldn’t hold him.

     20. You’ve been a great audience. I don’t really mind a few coffee slurpers.

     21. [hot room] I haven't sweated this much since my tax audit.

     22. Now I'd like to open the floor to questions. And since they never get a

           chance to speak, why don't we start with the married men?